I will start this post by saying that we had some very sad news over the last two weeks. After some very mild spotting last Monday and Tuesday, I went to my OB on Wednesday and found out that my hormone levels had dropped steeply. unfortunately, I was given the news that the pregnancy was not viable. A miscarriage was imminent, information which I will comment on further in just a moment.

First, though, I would like to comment on the importance of following your mommy instincts. Whether it’s your first pregnancy or you are an old pro, always listen to your gut. My first OB appointment was a couple of weeks ago. During the visit, I was given an ultrasound that showed much less than expected. The nurse practitioner explained that there was no reason to worry. She thought I was just a few weeks earlier than first expected – putting me around five weeks instead of eight weeks. She sent me for routine blood work, including a hormone count.

During the weekend, I experienced a little bit of brown discharge each day. This happened during my first pregnancy too, but for whatever reason this time around it really concerned me. Monday, I called the doctor’s office and was told not to worry. Brown is normal and quite common, especially if you have had a vaginal ultrasound or sexual intercourse. They said only to worry if there was bright red blood. That night after work, I discovered the tiniest amount of bright red blood. I immediately called the doctor’s office and had my doctor paged. Unfortunately, she didn’t call me back.

The next day, the discharge had gone away completely. When I got home from work, I realized I had started to bleed bright red. It was about the amount of a very light period, but I was really concerned all the same and called the doctor’s office again. My doctor wasn’t on call, so I was told to go to bed and call my doc in the morning. The next call I made was to my boss, who gave me a very sage piece of advice. She basically said that if I felt like it was okay to wait until the next morning, then everything was probably okay. I needed to follow my mommy instincts.

To be honest, I knew at this point that something was wrong. It wasn’t just the spotting, because that can actually be common in early pregnancy and doesn’t always mean a miscarriage. It was just a feeling I had. So we called my grandpa to watch Kieran and headed to the urgent care. Unfortunately, urgent cares do not commonly have ultrasounds, so we were told to either go to the ER or head home for bed rest.

I decided to head home, as the bleeding had completely stopped and I wasn’t experiencing any cramping. I thought maybe I was jumping to conclusions. The next morning, I made an appointment with my doc. The nurse practitioner did another ultrasound and pointed out that the fetus had developed over the last week. She even thought she saw a heartbeat, although she could’t be certain. She sent me for another hormone check and said not to worry. I just seemed to be not as far along as first thought. I headed home and decided not to get my hopes up until I got the blood test results back.

Later that day, I got the call that my hormone levels had dropped dramatically. Amongst many fervent apologies (as she had thought that everything was really okay) the nurse practitioner informed me that the pregnancy wasn’t viable. I sat in the middle of my bed, mouth hanging open, numbness already spreading through me. She thought my body would miscarry on its own, although she couldn’t be sure when. It could be that night or a couple of weeks down the road. So she prescribed me a drug called Methergine and a pain killer and did her best to gently prepare me for what was to come. I heard most of it, although some I was certain not to remember. I held it together until I hung up the phone. As I dialed my husband’s number, the tears began to flow.

A little note about Methergine – it isn’t commonly prescribed for inducing a miscarriage. Normally it’s given in order to stop the bleeding after a miscarriage or a D&C. But it is a lot milder than the other drug normally prescribed, Cytotec, which is known to cause quite a lot of bleeding. My experience was quite mild. I did not cramp a great deal, although I started to bleed about two and a half days after beginning the dosage.

I was told not to go back to work until the coming Wednesday. The process was going to take a few days and most likely be painful, not only physically but emotionally as well. She suggested I take the time to grieve. I would have a follow-up appointment on Tuesday, when I would bring in the products of conception that I needed to collect as I passed them. Unfortunately, despite their best efforts, none of the doctor’s office staff were able to completely explain to me what we were looking for and googling “products of conception” was downright crushing. I would not advise it, as most of the results are very disturbing and not at all helpful for what you are likely to see during the process of a miscarriage. So over the next five days, we did our best to collect anything that I passed into the toilet.

I went to a pre-planned ultrasound on Thursday to make sure the pregnancy wasn’t ectopic, where the nurse told me she thought it was a blighted ovum. In case you don’t know what that is, it means that the egg and sperm met, the egg attached to the uterine wall, and then a week or two later simply stopped developing. Normally, a blighted ovum is diagnosed because nothing can be detected on an ultrasound but an empty sac. It can also be misdiagnosed due to a tilted uterus. I was clearly confused. Although I knew there had never been a heartbeat (my hormone levels were too low), I knew the nurse practitioner had seen a fetus on the ultrasound the day before. I left a little confused and still in shock. That night, I went to bed and cried once again for the baby I had wanted so badly.

Tuesday came and I went back to the doctor, thinking the worst of this ordeal had passed. I was wrong. The nurse looked through my collection and discovered that I hadn’t passed anything yet. My doctor conducted an exam and realized that I hadn’t miscarried. My cervix was still intact. I was given two options to handle the missed miscarriage. I could take Cytotec, which would most likely cause me to miscarry that evening. Or I could have surgery the following day, a procedure known as a D&C.

I asked my doctor what my best option was, since my husband and I want to conceive again once it is safe to try. She didn’t have an opinion, apart from the fact that the medication would cause an incomplete miscarriage and the D&C would be more final. I knew the medication was known to cause severe bleeding in some cases. My husband had researched it several nights before and found quite a few cases where women ended up in the ER because the bleeding was so severe. The surgery, however, could possibly cause me to require an emergency hysterectomy (in very rare cases).

We chose the surgery. I trust my doctor who, despite her distinct lack of bedside manner, is a very gifted surgeon. She scheduled the surgery and I went home.

I woke up this morning – the day of the surgery – and mentally prepared myself as much as I could. I was terrified that something would go wrong and I would have to have a hysterectomy, despite the routine nature of a D&C. Thankfully, my friends and family were a great support to me. My husband works at the hospital so he was able to see me before and after the procedure. My grandpa was also with me the whole time. And I had several friends who were willing to be there the moment I called for them.

My doctor came to see me shortly before the procedure. She was confident everything would go as planned and promised (quite reassuringly, actually) that it would all be okay. With the final promise that I was in good hands, she led me to the OR. After a little bit of stinging as the anesthesia entered my blood stream, I drifted to sleep…and awoke maybe 20 minutes later to discover that the procedure had gone perfectly.

I have to say, I’m very glad I chose the surgery. I had read where some women get a sense of closure with the procedure that doesn’t necessarily come with the use of medication. That was the case for me. There will be no uncertainty, no wondering if I have passed everything or if more medication or procedures will be needed. For me, it was a chance to say good-bye to the baby that shared my womb, even for just a few weeks.

There may be no telling what caused the miscarriage. I’ll go back to my doctor in two weeks for a follow-up and will find out then when it will be safe to try again, as well as any results from the pathology. I look forward to the opportunity to try again, although I know I will be scared at first. We still want a second child and it’s certainly worth the wait.

I’m writing this post not only because it provides a sort of healing to me, but because I feel this is information that is important for other expectant moms. I know the very idea of a miscarriage is scary. I didn’t even want to read about it at first, as though doing so would cause one to happen. But my mommy instincts kicked in and I knew – before anyone ever told me the final result – that something was wrong. So I read the articles that I had been terrified to read and became as well informed as possible. My husband did the same.

This post isn’t meant to cause fear. As I mentioned before, bleeding during pregnancy isn’t always a sign of a miscarriage. It’s always best to consult your doctor as soon as possible, but the result isn’t always bad. However, sometimes a miscarriage isn’t quite so textbook. There isn’t always massive cramping and bleeding. In my case, there was no cramping. It took a blood test to realize my baby had passed away. But a part of me knew that before the blood test came back. So no matter what, don’t ignore those mommy instincts. If you feel like something is wrong, act on it. Ask for tests to be done, go to the ER if need be. Just don’t think you’re being silly. Because most of the time, you aren’t.

I will continue to post on here regarding my beautiful son, Kieran. And I will post about pregnancy #3 once we are ready to try again.